A few months ago, I went to the orthodontist to determine just how crooked my teeth are.  Sure enough…crooked.  I need braces if I intend to ever have straight teeth.  I figure I need straight teeth in order to get on Survivor which will virtually guarantee me a place on Dancing with the Stars.  When Katie Holmes watches with Tom, she’ll see me and call right away begging me to sing and dance with her on Broadway (Tom’s no good for you Katie!).  Of course, Lady Gaga will be dazzled in her seat in the theater and will ask me backstage to sing with her on the next album.  I know Brand and Angelina are hip so they certainly listen to Lady Gaga and we’ll do lunch, talk about the kids and our next new blockbuster together.  After that, I am sure that I will be a shoe-in for the White House and maybe even global rule. You see, I have it all planned out if not for these dang crooked teeth.

I also have an ulterior motive.  Emily told me she always wanted to kiss a boy with braces when she was growing up.  I got Invisalign aligners so it’s not like real braces, but I figure I may get some mileage.  Invisalign aligners are a series of plastic molds shaped such that each transition between aligner sets moves my teeth toward their final destination.  I stay in each set of aligners for 2 weeks or so and they slowly force my teeth into position from the tension the plastic exerts on the teeth.

I say the aligners work slowly but when I put my first set in yesterday, it sort of felt like my teeth snapped into their slightly adjusted place (and not in an exactly pleasant way).  Even more scary was when I removed them to brush.  My head clattered as they snapped back into their old positions!

Really, it takes some getting used to I guess, but they aren’t too bad.  I figure they can’t possibly be worse than metal/ceramic braces and these surely look a lot better.  I have to wear the aligners for 22 hours a day, taking them out only to eat and brush.  I can’t eat or drink with them in place so I suppose I will really cut back on my beloved Mt Dew since it isn’t worth jerking these things in and out of my head and brushing every time I want a sip.

So, I guess a year from now I will be healthier without all of the sugar and my teeth will be straighter and I’ll be even prettier (somehow…hard to imagine I know).  Lady Gaga here I come!

EDIT:  The end result!