I have crooked, messed up teeth.  I have had them since before I can really remember.  I suppose my baby teeth must have been crooked as well.  Why would a person be lucky enough to have straight baby teeth only to be plagued by crooked adult teeth?  Huh…come to think of it, that is exactly how the world seems to work.  Anyhow, I have crooked teeth.  They are chipped and mangled and ugly.

Emily has been bugging me for years to see an orthodontist to get them straightened.  Since she means so much to me, I went to the orthodontist after only 11 years of “discussion”.  That’s really pretty quick all things considered.  Anyhow, the orthodontic staff stretched my face in all sorts of unnatural ways and took all sorts of pictures at angles sure to accentuate the crookedness of my chompers.  I suppose the hideousness of my appearance was supposed to shock me into wanting to fix my teeth.  I fooled them though…my wife scared me into it…they had no effect!

As a part of the examination, I got a few x-rays taken.  I know no one would believe my story unless I showed you the proof.  If you’ll notice, the shot of my skull does not show a hollow space.  There is something inside and it does not appear to be either rocks or marbles!

Since I am an adult and I get the pleasure of paying for whatever orthodontia I choose, I decided to get invisible braces.  I signed up for Invisalign straighteners that are supposed to be essentially invisible and as effective as normal braces if used properly.  Apparently every couple of weeks I will get new plastic inserts that snap onto my teeth and pull them into alignment over the next 12-18 months.  I will be in no danger of getting my braces stuck to Emily if we ever decide to share a smooch!

The orthodontist promised me I would end up with perfectly straightened teeth.  He plans to smooth out the rough edges and chips I have too.  I protested at first telling him I earned almost every one of those chipped teeth the hard way.  I still need to pay my brother back for most of those knocks…

Anyhow, in 4-8 weeks, I will have my new invisible braces.  I will happily be on my way to new and straightened teeth.  If all goes well, I may jet out to Hollywood and expose my bits to the papparazzi because surely I will be just like a movie star!

EDIT:  Braces are here!